Just Weight

There's this conversation that plays in my head, not a perfect loop because it changes slightly with each iteration. The tone varies from mildly disappointed (a sort of "tsk-tsk") to aggressively condemning (this end of the spectrum is rather frightening). The content has been more or less unchanged for the past twenty-odd years. Yes, it occurs to me that that represents just over half of my lifetime.

A sample, at any given moment, might sound a bit like this:

You really shouldn't eat that [ hot dog / Dairy Queen Blizzard / cheese pizza ] because you've already had plenty of food today. There's no real reason why you should be hungry at all. If you have to eat something, it should really be a vegetable, but nothing too heavy. No pasta, no bread, no cookies. Really, you're a size what? And why haven't you been to the gym? If you really wanted to, you'd make time to get to the gym, at least several times a week for at least an hour or so each time. And you should always have all the laundry done so you won't ever need to scrounge for gym clothes. You used to be really fit when you were younger, what happened? The [ shirt / bra / jeans ] you're trying to squeeze into are going to show all of your fat rolls then no one will see anything but that, not listen to anything you have to say because they'll be gawking in horror at the rotund and obese monstrosity that stands before them masquerading as human. Perhaps it'd just be better if you hid somewhere, better than exposing yourself to other people. Why did you let it get this bad? What is wrong with you that you didn't fix this before now? You've been thin before, even if you didn't always know it; surely to goodness you can do it again.

So… I'd better stop there because it's only getting uglier by the second; I've already got a lump the size of a baby whale in my throat and tears threatening to spill. Something to know about me: I would never even entertain harsh thoughts like that about any other person. Sure, there might be a couple folks out there whose actions I find utterly reprehensible and disgusting, whose demise I certainly wouldn't mourn, but I wouldn't layer two decades worth of harsh, judgmental criticism and scathing hatred on them? Just, no.

I wouldn't pile the pyre that high then never set it alight, never set it free.

What is it in my psyche that clings to this? Why can I not seem to bring forgiveness to myself for this one aspect of my self? Why does every single food choice, each morsel that I lift to my mouth, have to come under scrutiny? Why have I equated the number on the scale or the size of my clothing to my value as a human, my worthiness of approval and love? How can I release the guilt, accept myself as I am in this moment, know that I will change when I put the effort into changing, and be okay with life as a process, not an end result?

I use this blog to explore those things which most challenge or inspire me and I understand that sometimes makes for morose reading. Strangely enough, many friends have equated me with sunshine, told me I'm someone who brightens their day, which is my way of sharing with readers that I'm not always a wound-up ball of self-despising panic. Just internally. Hahahahaha.

I am getting help to work on changing these mental patterns but the written word has long been so cathartic for me. It's my best refuge from the storms in my brain, the perfect safe harbor. From here I can explore the things I can't always speak out loud lest the tears fall and lay me bare to endure more hurt.

Oh, the psychology of it all… it's just weight, not who I AM.

Castles in the Sky

A bit of overindulgence is in order following a seven-and-a-half mile trek I took last weekend. Walking is an activity I enjoy, especially when the weather is absolutely perfect like it was that day: Sunny, scattered clouds, and 70's with a light breeze. I could've trekked on and on and on...

My journey began at home, small child in a jog stroller, larger child on a Razor scooter (yes, with a helmet), stroller basket equipped with snacks, drinks, phone, camera and keys. No iPod or other distractions - the phone was there for "just in case". All of which gave me plenty of time to think. Since the conditions were so delightful, my thoughts were mostly pleasant and influenced by my surroundings.

I considered what I would really love to accomplish and thought, why not make this a walking meditation. Better yet, why don't I make a plan to put this in a form that will be easier to make manifest: the written word. Okay, consider it done. Now where to start?

Firstly, I have to give thanks for what we have: a lovely home that is large enough for our family, in a safe neighborhood that suits our family at this moment because there are a lot of children Noah's age for him to play outside with. Hubby and I are both gainfully employed by companies that are currently enjoying growth. We have vehicles in good repair, we never go hungry, and we even have enough to share a little here and there.

As for building my castles in the sky, there are a great many things I aspire to achieve, both for myself and for my family. In no particular order and intentionally written in present tense...

Our home is a modest 4-bedroom home with a finished, walk-out basement with plenty of space for overnight guests on 10+ acres of land with lots of well-spaced, mature trees interspersed with flat, grassy areas (in which to throw a football or baseball). Inside, there are large, open living areas, a well-equipped modern kitchen, and built-in bookcases in each room. The home is comfortably shaded, a nice breeze blows through when the windows are open, and there is plenty of natural lighting.

Our city of residence is of modest size with many necessities available from locally-owned businesses. We are active participants in the shaping of new business opportunities in our local area.

My dear, sweet spouse and I have plentiful sources of income that allow us freedom to choose with discrimination which projects we wish to complete and which we prefer to respectfully decline. My projects are related to writing, crafting, photography, food, public speaking, and web-based commerce.

We nourish and care for our bodies with consciously grown foods and cleansing products as well as good exercise, especially outdoor activities like hiking and gardening. We talk to our children more and work on the computer less. We know people in our community by their first names - and we know their children's and pets' names, too.

Our home has a place for everything and most everything stays in its place when not in use. Excess and clutter have given way to those things we actually utilize and/or truly treasure.

There are abundant opportunities for us to travel around North America and overseas that balance well with the time we spend at home. When we are abroad, we eat according to our preferences and stay in soul-enriching locales.

Our finances are healthy and sustain us well as we age.

In short, our life is intentional, mindful and created by us, as we choose to live it.

What sort of castles are you building in your sky?